{"id":4674,"date":"2022-05-23T04:45:31","date_gmt":"2022-05-23T01:45:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ummforat.com\/?p=4674"},"modified":"2024-10-25T17:06:59","modified_gmt":"2024-10-25T17:06:59","slug":"in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/en\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/","title":{"rendered":"In Loving Memory of Tally Kritzman-Amir (May 7, 1979 \u2013 May 14, 2022)"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Under different circumstances, I would have asked my wise friend Tally for advice on how to be a good friend to someone who is dying.<\/p>

Since I began writing this blog, my beloved friend Dr. Tally Kritzman-Amir<\/a><\/span> has reviewed most of the posts, suggesting wise edits and improvements. She appears in the book I wrote, Maqluba<\/a><\/span>, as the perceptive and generous \u201cYael.\u201d On May 14, 2022, she passed away at the age of 43.<\/p>

June 2021<\/em><\/p>

It started and ended with the cat. That ancient, ailing, undignified cat, that defecates outside the litterbox, that yowls day and night, that was never cute or cuddly, that Tally inherited from her acerbic ex-boyfriend, that Tally never really wanted.<\/p>

Tally called me at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, as I was about to leave for a run.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m in the hospital,\u201d she said. \u201cI think I have cancer.\u201d<\/p>

In two decades of friendship, we had talked through career angst, love, breakups, marriage, births, moves across the globe \u2013 but this conversation was uncharted.\u00a0 Weeks of abdominal discomfort. Sudden vomiting. A blood test. An MRI. The emergency room. An unconfirmed diagnosis. Her sister, an oncologist at an Israeli hospital, was already buying a plane ticket to the United States.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll come today,\u201d I told her. We were living in North Carolina temporarily, a sabbatical from my partner\u2019s university in Palestine. Tally had moved from Tel Aviv to Cambridge, Massachusetts in 2017 and was looking for a permanent job in the United States. She and her husband Yoni were determined to protect their daughters from the Israeli government\u2019s school curriculum, which teaches racism and ultra-nationalism, and the Israeli military\u2019s mandatory conscription, which enforces them.<\/p>

\u201cWait,\u201d she said. \u201cI haven\u2019t told Yoni yet. I don\u2019t know how to tell him.\u201d<\/p>

Two weeks earlier, I had sent her photos and videos from a visit to a progressive neighborhood in Philadelphia, a city where she had a job offer. She wanted the job but was reluctant to leave her beloved Cambridge. I sent her mock news-style videos from the locally-owned secondhand bookstore hosting a lecture by an LGBTQ community group, the co-op grocery specializing in vegan, organic, fair trade products and the lawn signs voicing support for reproductive rights, racial justice, and respect for science.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s so liberal here, you could vomit,\u201d I had filmed myself reassuring her. \u201cYou\u2019ll love it.\u201d<\/p>

Now she told me she would have to decline the Philadelphia job offer, but it seemed too early to make that decision, because people can recover from cancer.<\/p>

\u201cMy stomach is making weird sounds,\u201d she complained. \u201cIt sounds like Condi yowling.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhatever happened to Condi?\u201d I asked. I had last seen the cat during a pre-Covid visit years ago.<\/p>

\u201cShe\u2019s still alive,\u201d Tally said. \u201cFifteen years old. We joke that she\u2019ll outlive all of us, but that seems less funny now.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s still kind of funny,\u201d I said.<\/p>

Yoni woke up, and Tally texted me to say she had told him. He refused my offer to fly there.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s too early,\u201d he said. \u201cWe don\u2019t even have a confirmed diagnosis.\u201d<\/p>

But then we did have a confirmed diagnosis: Bile duct cancer. Stage 4. Advanced and metastasized. Inoperable. A rare cancer that settles quietly in the digestive system and causes symptoms only after it\u2019s too late.<\/p>

Four weeks later, they let me visit. Tally was perched on a seat built into the window of her living room, looking out onto their green lawn. Condi the cat lumbered into the room, checked her food bowl and cried. Orr, 10, and Shir, 6, topped off the food bowl with pellets and showered Condi with caresses. When they left the room, Tally said she had told the girls \u201cseventy-five percent of it,\u201d and that the hospital social worker had given her pamphlets to help explain cancer to children.<\/p>

Tally spent long stretches of the days swallowed by pain. In the mornings, I was confined to the guest bedroom until Tally woke up, because the cat yowled if anyone came downstairs, and it was hard for Tally to sleep. When I went to the kitchen that first morning to make coffee, Condi meowed loudly, trying to rub her body against my legs.<\/p>

\u201cI still don\u2019t like you,\u201d I told her, and she yowled again and staggered unevenly back to her food bowl.<\/p>

That cat will die soon, I thought. She\u2019ll die, and Tally\u2019s daughters will be inconsolable. They will mourn the loss of that cat, because they have no other place to put their grief, because the loss of their mother is too stupefying to feel, your mind can\u2019t understand it, and what does it mean anyway to be told 75% of the fact that your mother will die? The girls will cry for that damn cat, because they can contain the grief over the cat, but neither they nor I can understand what it means for Tally to be immobilized in a window nook overlooking a green lawn, wondering if she\u2019ll live to see the snow fall on it, knowing that she will never know what her daughters will look like as women.<\/p>

December 2021<\/em><\/p>

Then the sun came out from behind the clouds. We got Tally back. Her stupid doctors, with their stupid treatments, managed to bypass her blocked bile ducts with stents. Tally could eat. She didn\u2019t have crippling abdominal pain. Her stupid doctors, with their stupid treatments, administered palliative chemotherapy that shrank the tumors. They gave her steroids and pain patches and anti-nausea medications and blood transfusions, striking a delicate balance between treatment and poison, protection and attack. Tally prepared to teach her law school class and played games with her daughters.<\/p>

I knew the situation was good when she called to ask my help writing to members of Congress in Massachusetts.<\/p>

\u201cMy employment authorization document is expiring,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll lose my driver\u2019s license, my job, and my health insurance.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry, sweetheart,\u201d I told her.<\/p>

\u201cOh, no,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s not going to happen. They don\u2019t know who they\u2019re dealing with.\u201d<\/p>

And they didn\u2019t. I drafted a letter to her Congressional representatives urging intervention to renew her employment authorization. She wrote back to say that we needed to say something about her cancer.<\/p>

\u201cFor or against?\u201d I asked, because we were back to jokes and cynicism, because she had come back from the pain.<\/p>

\u201cFor them hurrying up before it\u2019s too late,\u201d she said.<\/p>

I wrote, in her name, what she and I knew but had avoided saying out loud to each other: \u201cThere is no known cure for my condition, and my doctors have told me that my cancer is terminal. I am undergoing palliative chemotherapy in the hope of having as much time as possible with my daughters and husband.\u201d<\/p>

I wondered if it reassured her, to have it stated between us, to confirm that I knew. Or maybe it made her feel horrible, to read those words on the screen as we engaged in our otherwise familiar, years-long practice of sending drafts back and forth to each other over email: blog posts, job application letters, law review articles, and now a request for humanitarian intervention.<\/p>

Tally was back. After a week in which she lobbied, networked and bulldozed her way through the bureaucracy, the U.S. immigration authorities agreed to issue Green Cards for herself and her family.<\/p>

January 2022<\/em><\/p>

Even as Tally was doing well, teaching a law school class and planning a seventh birthday party for Shir, there was a\u00a0horrible kind of honesty about her prognosis.<\/p>

\u201cOrr said she\u2019s worried about Condi dying,\u201d Tally told me.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s wonderful that Orr can express that,\u201d I said.<\/p>

\u201cYeah,\u201d Tally said. \u201cBut the cat needs to die soon, on my watch.\u201d<\/p>

Condi jumped on the couch and tried to nuzzle Tally\u2019s leg. Tally pushed her off the couch and told her frankly: \u201cNobody likes you.\u201d<\/p>

But that wasn\u2019t true. Orr likes Condi. Orr loves her. And Condi needs to hurry up and die, because we don\u2019t know how long Tally\u2019s watch will last, and Tally wants to mother Orr through her mourning of that stupid cat, to help her daughter practice what it will feel like to grieve for Tally.<\/p>

February 2022<\/em><\/p>

\u201cHemoglobin is 6.5,\u201d Tally texted. She was at the hospital for another round of chemotherapy. \u201cThe nurses are in shock from me. Molly almost cried again. They were actually holding my arms, making sure I didn\u2019t fall, because I\u2019m not supposed to be able to walk with that level of anemia.\u201d<\/p>

I had recently returned from a visit. I recalled the evening she sat at the kitchen counter, asked Yoni to bring her a bowl, and mashed sweet potatoes for latkes. Now I understood that the anemia had rendered her too weak to stand. She struggled to perform ordinary domestic tasks that had become precious. I put my hand on her shoulder then and asked how she felt.<\/p>

\u201cI want to cry,\u201d she said, and her face was desperate. \u201cI\u2019m so tired.\u201d But then Orr entered the kitchen, and Tally closed her eyes briefly and opened them. She declared that we were going to play a family game together, whether or not the girls wanted that. We sat on the floor, and Tally beat us mercilessly at the Israeli card game of Taki, boasting loudly of her prowess and daring us to a rematch.<\/p>

Tally was fighting so hard. I forgot that she was actually very, very ill.<\/p>

\"\"<\/p>

May 2022<\/em><\/p>

Then she died, and I was at the airport again, this time for the funeral. I had last seen her six weeks earlier. As the end drew near, she hadn\u2019t wanted visitors.<\/p>

\u201cAre you afraid?\u201d I texted her last month, because she didn\u2019t want to talk on the phone anymore either. She was receiving supplementary oxygen, and when emotions overwhelmed her, she literally couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/p>

\u201cYesterday when I laid down, I fantasized about it,\u201d she replied. \u201cThat I would sleep and not wake up. I feel like it would be a huge relief for everyone, including me.\u201d<\/p>

Pain seared my heart, and I tried to practice the listening skills I had learned from her, to be present, to resist denying the other person\u2019s feelings. Under other circumstances, I would have asked my friend Tally how to be a good friend to someone who is dying.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s selfish,\u201d I texted her. \u201cWe want to hold onto you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s not much of me left,\u201d she replied.<\/p>

But even a little bit of Tally was precious, a firestorm of activity, determination, intention, and love. She made a video for the girls and Yoni, for afterward. She ordered necklaces with charms containing her name entwined with those of Orr and Shir. She downloaded her Facebook posts documenting the girls\u2019 development. She wrote them letters.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m so weak,\u201d Tally wrote to me. \u201cIt\u2019s so hard. I just want to disappear.\u201d<\/p>

And then she did. Her mother flew in from Tel Aviv, joining her sister. Tally had a final conversation with the girls. On Friday night, she wrote to tell me she was grateful for our friendship. My heart soared with love and splintered with pain.<\/p>

\u201cWill you let me know when you go to sleep?\u201d I wrote.<\/p>

\u201cI took a sedative now,\u201d she wrote. \u201cGoodnight.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSweet dreams, my love,\u201d I wrote. And then I collapsed, sobbing, on my kitchen floor, and my partner held me close, and our children gathered around us and stared.<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re sad,\u201d my son said, and he smiled his beautiful four-year old smile, the kind of smile that Tally would never again see on her own daughters\u2019 beautiful, smooth round faces.<\/p>

The morning after the funeral, Yoni asked a friend to take the cat to the veterinarian. Condi had developed some kind of mouth infection and had stopped cleaning herself, was tracking sand from her litter box throughout the house. Yoni began the shiva, the seven-day mourning period, and visitors filled the house. I asked him about Condi\u2019s trip to the veterinarian.<\/p>

\u201cCondi has a heart problem, but the vet says she can live with it for a while,\u201d he said. Yoni smiled his crooked smile, the smile that Tally fell in love with more than a decade ago, except that now the rest of his face was stricken with pain and shock. \u201cNow you decide which of that is good news and which is bad news,\u201d he joked.<\/p>

I smiled back and felt my love for Tally surging toward him and Orr and Shir. He and their daughters had taken their first steps on a journey through hell, but they were strong and beloved, and they would survive. I hid my face and left the room, my body racked with pain and anger and guilt, because the rest of us get to keep living, but Tally does not.<\/p>

\"\"<\/p>

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Under different circumstances, I would have asked my wise friend Tally for advice on how to be a good friend to someone who is dying. Since I began writing this blog, my beloved friend Dr. Tally Kritzman-Amir has reviewed most of the posts, suggesting wise edits and improvements. She appears in the book I wrote, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5073,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_crdt_document":"","jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":[],"jnews_primary_category":[],"jnews_override_bookmark_settings":[],"jnews_override_counter":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[13,29,38,48,52],"class_list":["post-4674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fitting-in","tag-cancer","tag-grief","tag-israel-palestine","tag-mourning","tag-occupation"],"yoast_head":"\nIn Loving Memory of Tally Kritzman-Amir (May 7, 1979 \u2013 May 14, 2022) - Sari Bashi<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/en\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"In Loving Memory of Tally Kritzman-Amir (May 7, 1979 \u2013 May 14, 2022) - Sari Bashi\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Under different circumstances, I would have asked my wise friend Tally for advice on how to be a good friend to someone who is dying. 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Since I began writing this blog, my beloved friend Dr. Tally Kritzman-Amir has reviewed most of the posts, suggesting wise edits and improvements. She appears in the book I wrote, […]","og_url":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/en\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/","og_site_name":"Sari Bashi","article_published_time":"2022-05-23T01:45:31+00:00","article_modified_time":"2024-10-25T17:06:59+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1500,"height":872,"url":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/featured-photo-In-loving-memory.webp","type":"image\/webp"}],"author":"sari.bashi","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"sari.bashi","Est. reading time":"10 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/"},"author":{"name":"sari.bashi","@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/#\/schema\/person\/962062959e5dc3c5a170df154a8b5fef"},"headline":"In Loving Memory of Tally Kritzman-Amir (May 7, 1979 \u2013 May 14, 2022)","datePublished":"2022-05-23T01:45:31+00:00","dateModified":"2024-10-25T17:06:59+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/"},"wordCount":2178,"commentCount":45,"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/featured-photo-In-loving-memory.webp","keywords":["cancer","grief","Israel\/Palestine","mourning","occupation"],"articleSection":["Fitting In"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/","url":"https:\/\/ummforat.com\/in-loving-memory-of-tally-kritzman-amir-may-7-1979-may-14-2022\/","name":"In Loving Memory of Tally Kritzman-Amir (May 7, 1979 \u2013 May 14, 2022) - 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